Paradoxical Harmony

How Could God Ask That? – The Gospel Coalition Blog

2011-07-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

How Could God Ask That? – The Gospel Coalition Blog

What Am I Afraid Of?

2011-07-21T22:45:00.001-04:00

Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.

- Francis Chan

Gospel Centered Hymns

2011-07-21T22:29:00.007-04:00

I picked up the guitar for the first time in a long time today. I think this is the first time I played it since moving back to New York. I miss serving on praise teams and leading praise for small prayer meetings.

It's hard to enjoy and worship to hymns in this contemporary age, but when the lyrics are so amazing and true to the Gospel as these two hymns, how can one NOT praise the Lord? Anyway, these two hymns really hit me today:

Before the Throne of God Above

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God

It is Well (With My Soul)

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

It is well, with my soul
It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul!

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control:
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul!

My Faithlessness and His Faithfulness

2011-06-26T12:42:00.004-04:00

During these times when I know that I am essentially and fundamentally living a Godless life; when I know the gospel of Christ Jesus is not the center and anchor of my life; when I know that I am comfortable with my worldliness and my fleshly desires, I really wonder how I haven't fallen off the wagon completely and turned away from God altogether. When there is nothing good in me and when I desire not for it, how could a longing for the One who is eternally good still reside in my innermost thoughts?

"If we have not altogether turned aside from the Lord, it is only grace which has prevented us."
- Charles Spurgeon

Correct Thinking About Jesus' Commands Is Not Obedience to Them

2011-06-25T12:11:00.000-04:00

Correct Thinking About Jesus' Commands Is Not Obedience to Them

Politics and Christianity

2011-06-25T12:10:00.001-04:00

Neither truth nor righteousness lie in the law of the world. Love; but forget not the Way, Truth, and Life for whom we are ambassadors.

Two Real Reasons for Vigilance

2011-05-02T16:55:00.006-04:00

Around 11:30pm on May 1st, 2011, President Obama announced the death of Osama Bin Laden at American hands. The President called for vigilance as Al Qaida still remains regardless of the death of its figurehead. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed this same message this morning.

Today is a day of mixed feelings and mind racing. I keep thinking about September 11 and what I was feeling and thinking then. I think about all the innocent lives lost. I think about our idea of “justice” and our idea of “freedom”. I think about the idea of the military and war. I think about politics. I think about America’s stuck up attitude and superiority complex as exhibited in President Obama’s speech: “America can do anything it sets its mind to.” I'm caught. One part of me wants to join the bandwagon of celebration and American patriotism. The other, bigger part of me, considers mercy, forgiveness, love and mostly just trying to look beyond what we see in front of our eyes. How would God want us to react to all of this on this day?

At this moment I can only say that yes, indeed, we must be vigilant. But not solely against terrorism (in the western political definition) and not solely because of fear. We must be vigil against the enemy, Satan, as he is continually trying to get us and we must be vigil because the day and hour of Christ’s second coming is unknown.

Matthew 25:1-13 NIV:

1 ”At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise. 3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. 4 The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. 5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.6 ”At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’7 ”Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. 8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’9 “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’10 ”But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.11 ”Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’12 ”But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’13 ”Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

1 Peter 5:8-9 ESV:

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

Lastly, here is an interesting read. I do not rejoice today. But I'm still not quite sure exactly how I feel.

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

2011-05-02T16:55:00.001-04:00

Genesis 6:5-6
5The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6And the LORD was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.

Definition of SORRY
1: feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence
2: mournful, sad
3: inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn or ridicule: pitiful

Definition of REGRET:
1: a: to mourn the loss or death of
1: b: to miss very much
2: to be very sorry for

Definition of GRIEVE
1: to cause to suffer: distress
2: to feel or show grief over
3: to submit a formal grievance concerning

Definition of GRIEF:
1: obsolete: grievance
2: a: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement
2: b: a cause of such suffering
3: a: an unfortunate outcome: disaster - used chiefly in the phrase “come to grief”
3: b: mishap, misadventure
3: c: trouble, annoyance
3: d: annoying or playful criticism

Holy, Spirit convict us to grieve, mourn, and regret our own sinfulness and the depravity of the world. Holy Spirit, convict us with the unfailing hope and love of Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Father, that even as you grieved over for Your creation, Your love for us is overwhelming and abundant and You made a way for us to be redeemed to You.

Seed, Tree, Fruit

2011-05-02T16:54:00.000-04:00

Good seed, good tree, good fruit.
Bad seed, bad tree, bad fruit.

How do we expect people to be Christ-like if they don’t even really know who Christ is? A bad tree simply cannot bear good fruit. A bad seed simply cannot grow into a good tree.

Proper application of faith is important but PENETRATING TRUTH is first necessary.

Good News, Bad News

2011-05-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

Before we can taste and see how good the Lord is, before we can grasp the sweetness of the Gospel, before we can even know the goodness of the Redeemer, we must taste and see how depraved we are, we must grasp the hopelessness of the world, we must know the wickedness of man.

Until we see our need for the cross, we cannot be convicted by it. And until we are convicted by the cross, we cannot live for and partake in Christ.

Spirit, would You unveil our eyes and help us see. Would You break our hearts and help us receive.

I Will Wait For You

2011-04-05T01:15:00.000-04:00

If we would have our hearts broken for ourselves, for the lost, for the church. If more of us would weep, mourn, fast, repent, and pray like this

2011-04-04T07:24:00.005-04:00

Nehemiah 1:2-11

And I asked them concerning the Jews who escaped, who had survived the exile, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said to me, “The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire.

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, “O LORD God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father’s house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statues, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there.’ They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let you ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man.”

Shut Up and Listen

2011-04-03T14:00:00.004-04:00

Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
- Ephesians 5:17

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
- James 1:5

Be still and know that I am God.
- Psalm 46:10

Maybe if I’d just shut up, I can actually figure out what He wants me to do and where He wants me to be.

In a workshop Rosie gave last Friday, she said something very simple that may be a good reminder. “Let God lead. You should follow.” She pointed out that many of us become set making up our own minds, walking our own paths, and then asking “God, please be with me wherever I go.” That’s not letting God lead and following Him. That’s leading yourself, and asking Him to follow. That’s not what we’re called to do as Christians. Her point was very simple, and 100% true.

When the Darkness Does Not Lift - John Piper

2011-04-03T13:59:00.001-04:00

For the brother who touched upon this during last night’s Bible study and also a reminder for myself.

…One of the important (foundations) is learning to fight for joy like a justified sinner. I call this “gutsy guilt.” Every embattled saint has learned this secret, even if they never called it by that name.

Gutsy guilt means learning to live on the rock-solid truth of what happened for us when Jesus Christ died on the cross and rose again from the dead. It means realizing that in this life we will always be sinful and imperfect. Therefore in ourselves we will always be guilty. This will prove emotionally devastating if we do not discover the reality of justification by faith, that is the secret of gutsy guilt. This is not only the weapon with which we fight for joy in the darkness of discouragement, but it is one of the most foundational and the most important.

…we are sinners and do not have a righteousness of our own. We should, but we don’t. That’s why we are guilty and destined for eternal punishment. This is the deepest root of all our misery. If we could sever this root, we would fight for joy as victors. God’s gift of justification on the basis of Christ’s blood and righteousness does sever this root of misery.

The capstone of its joy-producing glory is that justification is by faith alone apart from works of the law. Paul said, “We hold that one is justified by faith apart from works of the law…To the one who does not work but trusts him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness” (Rom. 3:28;4:4-5). The best news in all the world to the “ungodly,” who grieve under the cloud of darkness and guilt, is the news that God, by faith alone, counts them as righteous because of Christ. This is the rock where we stand when the dark clouds gather and the floods lick at our feet: justification is by grace alone (not mixed with our merit), through faith alone (not mixed with our works) on the basis of Christ alone (not mingling his rightesouness with ours), to the glory of God alone (not ours)

Abundant Grace. Everlasting Love. Absolute Sovereignty. Infinite Glory.

2011-04-02T02:15:00.000-04:00

If I were to sum up what I’ve learned from about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and grown to love about the Lord God in the last four years of my walk with God, it would be with these four phrases.

These four phrases have completed shifted my worldview, my identity, my sense of worth, my purpose, my motivations, my goals, my interests, my attitude toward myself and others…my whole life.

I am a hell deserving sinner saved by grace and loved by the perfect and eternal God who spoke the world to be and placed the stars in their rightful place with a flick of His hand; who not only created me just as I am with all of my imperfections but also delights in them and is glorified through them. My every step and every breath I take because He wills each step and each breath for the purpose of His glory.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.
- Ephesians 1:3-14

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever!
Amen.
- Romans 11:36

The Fellowship of Believers

2011-02-28T21:49:00.009-05:00

42And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
- Acts 2:42-27

I originally just wanted to use this as a reference for a prayer for unity at church on Friday. But since then, I haven’t been able to get this out of my head. The fact of the matter is that this passage really shook me and brought a good degree of sadness to my heart. It pains me to see how different the church today is from the Acts model. Since this has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind, I’m going to blog it out for processing.

44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.

“All things in common” contextually refers to the possessions they sold and shared. However, let’s hypothetically extrapolate that thought beyond the physical. What if they had more than just their material possessions in common? What if they also had in common the possessions of their hearts? But can you imagine how hard it would be to get everyone to have everything in common – desires, feelings, hobbies, values, pet peeves? I can only think of the brainwashing or synthetic humans of science fiction. Would that even be in alignment with the character of our God? Is He not a creative God? Would a uniform mankind be the goal of this creative God? Does He not create us different albeit equal? Does He not gift us specifically?

So I think that their having “all things in common” meant not that their faith in Christ transformed them into a homogenous population and eliminated their individuality. Instead, I’d like to argue that they really just had ONE THING in common that allowed them to have “everything” in common: love for God – Father, Spirit, and Son. They were so in love with God and this translated into a love for people, a love for the Word, and a devotion to living out the Word. I think this love triumphed over their love for anything else and prompted them to give up their physical possessions and their heart’s possessions. The former allowed them to share everything and the latter allowed them to meet every day.

It saddens me to see how disinterested people are now regarding church. Perhaps I am biased because I think the local church is essential to the maturity of a Christian. In any case, it pains me to see that people nowadays think intentional meetings for prayer, for fellowship, for breaking bread, and studying the Word are superfluous. “They are just an interruption or burden to my personal time, my study time, my play time, my social time, my television time, my running-errands time, my internet-surfing time, etc. Between the choices of Friday fellowship, small group, prayer meeting, Sunday service, etc. I can just pick one or two and that’ll be enough for me and my obligation to God.” Sounds familiar? Yea, I think like that too.

But this original church in the Acts - they shared everything together; they broke bread together, they studied the Word together; they fellowshipped together; they praised God together. They did this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Isn’t this so amazing?

And you know what’s more amazing? What did God do? God sent wonders and signs, God gave them favor with all people, and God added to their number day by day those who were being saved (v.43, 47). They congregated every day for the Lord and the Lord blessed them.

Maybe you don’t feel fed at your church. Maybe you don’t feel blessed by those meetings. And maybe that’s why you’ve decided they’re not worth your presence and participation. And maybe you think that sooner or later you’ll be at another church where you will feel blessed at every single meeting and then you’ll start attending everything. I’ve felt like this too. Unfortunately, you’ll never find that perfect church because it doesn’t exist. But you say, “Wait a minute, didn’t you just say that God blesses the church?” Yes, I did but just because you don’t FEEL blessed by God, doesn’t mean that God isn't blessing you. Living in Christ isn’t all rainbows and marshmallows; it isn’t always characterized by a fiery ball of passion; it isn’t always about being on a mountaintop and having an in-your-face-yes-I’m-God-I’m-real-and-I’m-so-awesome-you-need-to-worship-me experience with God. The point is that human emotions are fleeting but God is not only faithful but also unchanging.

So maybe you really do have other important God-glorying things to do. Or maybe it really is just as simple as your love for worldly things and self-centered passions and rights is greater than your love for God. But remember, church is not merely its building or meetings. It is the people. For the body to function correctly and carry out its full purpose, it requires not only the presence but also the participation of each of its parts. And take heart! The LORD does indeed love the church and will bless it abundantly!

This post isn’t to condemn anyone who has been skipping out on church meetings. I can understand and I emphathize with you. This post is just me processing this passage. It really boggles my mind how they could have everything in common and met every single day. I, for one, really have a lot of things to do and I also enjoy spending time alone and can easily get sick of seeing the same people over and over again. I am amazed and challenged by these first believers. It’s just all kind of really crazy and extreme.

But I guess that really is what it comes down to. That God’s love for us is extreme and as such our love for Him must also be extreme.

To close:

23Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
- Hebrews 10:23-25

Hard Truths, Abundant Grace

2011-02-17T23:07:00.003-05:00

1 John 1:5 to 2:6
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

______

There is some hard truth in this passage, but also abundant grace. This is a conviction for those of us walking in the darkness while claiming to be in fellowship with Christ. Christ has deemed us righteous and given us life, but sanctification is a lifelong journey that requires us to examine ourselves constantly according to the truth and commandments of God.

I am a sinner, but thank You, Jesus, for imputing righteousness upon me and becoming the propitiation for my sins. Thank You, Jesus, that you are my biggest advocate to the Father. Thank You that You are unchanging, faithful, and just to forgive me my sins when I confess and repent. Convict me with your Word and lead me to walk in Your light.

I Need to Fail Horrendously

2010-09-20T17:17:00.001-04:00

I need to fail in a way that make absolutely no sense to me. I need to do everything right in my mind and still fail at the end. Failing and knowing exactly why and how it happened doesn’t cut it. I don’t want to succeed anymore. I don’t even want to fail well. I don’t want to know exactly why I failed - oh I didn’t do this enough, I want to I need my world to be turned upside down. I want to fail and have absolutely no idea why. I need see that whatever I think is my wisdom is ABSOLUTE FOLLY.

I’m so prideful. I have all this head knowledge and it seems like that is ALL THAT I HAVE. I don’t want this to be my life. I know exactly the rights things to do and the right things to say. But in my heart, all there is is wickedness. All I am is a phony, a liar, an actress. I’m sick of pretending that I’m ok. The deception is growing deeper and deeper each day. To the point that I’m even deceiving myself that I’m ok.

Sometimes, I wish there was a restart button. I wish that I could go back in time and maybe I could have experienced and gotten to know God differently. Maybe I’d be less of a legalist. I want to be stripped of my position, my success, my knowledge, and my value of duty. I just want it to be me and You. Because it’s never been just You and me. There has always been someone else, something else.

I don’t want this to be our Relationship. Jesus, I’m sorry. Spirit, come and show me who You really are.

My caution concerns making theology God instead of God God. Loving doing theology rather than loving God.

2010-07-27T01:08:00.006-04:00

Just stumbled upon this Q&A with John Piper. A good caution to all, regardless of whichever side of the spectrum one is on.

Video of the transcript:

Would there be any cautions that you would have for the New Reformed/New Calvinist Movement you referenced earlier?

Yes.

I will give you one that is from a prophetic word given to me yesterday—take it or leave it. I'm cautious when people come to me with these kinds of things. But this rung true, and you can see that it is true without making a claim to special divine authority.

My caution concerns making theology God instead of God God. Loving doing theology rather than loving God.

Sam Crabtree said to me once, "The danger of the contemporary worship awakening is that we love loving God more than we love God." That was very profound. And you might love thinking about God more than you love God. Or arguing for God more than you love God. Or defending God more than you love God. Or writing about God more than you love God. Or preaching more than you love God. Or evangelizing more than you love God.

Reformed people tend to be thoughtful. That is, they come to the Bible and they want to use their minds to make sense of it. The best of them want to make sense of all of the Bible and do not pick and choose saying, "I don't like that verse. That sounds like an Arminian verse, so we will set it aside." No! Fix your brain, don't fix the Bible.

The kind of person that is prone to systematize and fit things together, like me, is wired dangerously to begin to idolize the system. I don't want to go here too much, because I think the whiplash starts to swing the other direction, and we minimize the system, thinking, and doctrine to the degree that we start to lose a foothold in the Bible.

But that would be a big caution. We should be intellectually and emotionally more engaged with the person of Christ, the person of God—the Trinity—than we are with thinking about him. Thinking about God and engaging with him are inextricably woven together. But the reason you are reading the Bible, and the reason you are framing thoughts about God from the Bible, is to make your way through those thoughts to the real person.

The danger on the other side is to say, "All that intellectual stuff, no, no, no. Doctrine, no. Intellect, no. Study, no. Experience, yes!" People who do this wind up worshipping a God of their own imagination. It feels so right, so free, and so humble because they are not getting involved in all those debates. But it isn't. It is losing a grip on reality. So we are compelled to think hard about God and the Bible.

Hanging on with the danger I am speaking of is pride—a certain species of pride. There are many species of pride, and this is just one of them. You can call it intellectualism. There is also emotionalism, but that isn't the danger we are talking about right now. Intellectualism is a species of pride, because we begin to prize our abilities to interpret the Bible over the God of the Bible or the Bible itself.

When I asked Rick Warren, "What is your doctrine of the Bible?" He said, "Inerrant and authoritative. But I don't mean all my interpretations of it are inerrant and authoritative." And that is of course right. We should talk that way.

So that would be my flag, the danger of intellectualism. And maybe the danger of certain aspects of it becoming so argumentative or defensive that it becomes unnecessarily narrow. That is funny for me to say because I think I am a really narrow guy, and a lot of other people think so too.

The Spirit is alive. He lives and bears fruit in me.

2010-06-23T00:41:00.006-04:00

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

- Galatians 5:22

Some of these things I never had. Many I heavily lacked. But now more of each than ever before.

Praise you, God, for showing me today how alive You are in me; how Your Holy Spirit has been with me all along - living in me and bearing fruit in me. Today, you allowed me to realize- almost quantify - how far we've come on our journey together.

I know our journey still has eternity to go. I know that it'll only get sweeter even as it gets tougher. I've still got a lot of room for growth and I know that there isn't much room in my heart with all the junk I have in there. But if it is only by brokenness that I'll ever give You your rightly room in my heart, then so be it. Break me.

Spirit, break me and refine me.

My Own New Frontier

2010-05-21T23:13:00.005-04:00

In Costa Rica until June 1st. Walking by faith. Praying against bitterness and judgemental-ness. Praying for humility and to be stripped of all pride. I must remember that don´t deserve anything. Praying against all fear. Praying to be a true living testimony; to be a reflection of Christ. Less of me and more of Jesus. Praying for my team members, team leaders, and the patients we encounter. May Christ touch their lives if they don´t yet know Him. May Jesus bring healing - physical, spiritual, and emotional - to all in need.

More to come later.

Leadership

2010-04-06T15:26:00.004-04:00

2007:

Part of being a leader is recognizing ability and delegating accordingly. Part of being a leader is being able to recognize your own inability, having the courage to acknowledge it, and then the humility to allow others to shine."

2010:

Part of a being a leader is having the heart of a willing servant, which entails sacrifice - saying yes even when you don't want to and doing it even when you don't feel like it - as long as whatever "it" is, is not wrong and for good. Joy and passion are neither prerequisites nor rights; they are gifts that stem from humility and love.

Wrong

2010-04-03T02:16:00.002-04:00

Things are just wrong. I'm wrong.

Afraid

2010-04-02T02:23:00.003-04:00

I think I'm afraid of being all that I can be...

I think I'm scared of acceptance just as much as I am scared of rejection.

I'm afraid of being extraordinary.

Is it wrong to desire mediocrity?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

Lent Day 6: To Be Grounded in Truth

2010-02-23T00:27:00.010-05:00

As the days go by, I can feel laziness creeping in. There have also been some developments that are weighing heavily on my heart now. Usually, when I feel this burdened, I get discouraged and I become apathetic. However, God has helped me come to a very unnatural and unusual response. Instead of discouragement and apathy, I'm feeling a great sense of urgency for the TRUTH that is God Himself, feeding my motivation to continue seeking Him.

I think I'm kind of a diplomat. According to the dictionary, that means that I have skills in negotiating between two parties and handling of affairs without arousing hostility. I think it helps that I'm a good listener and I'm open to compromise and criticism. I talk to a lot of people and quite a few share with me in confidence and I give advice, encouragement, or rebuke as necessary. Today, I thought a lot about this. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but I'm questioning myself. There have been numerous he-said, she-said occasions where I talked to both parties. I found myself always agreeing with the party that I'm with at the moment. Is that me being easily swayed? Or is that just me being a good Switzerland? I don't want to be like the leaf that is so easily pushed side to side by the wind. I want to be like the tree planted by streams of water (Psalm 1:3) that is so grounded in the Word that will never be moved by anything not of God. I want to always strive to edify and build up God's kingdom and not facilitate it's destruction with internal gossip and disunity.

I want to be a truth seeker and a truth giver. I don't want to just listen to people's sides of their stories. I don't want to just listen to people bring up concerns for others even in the spirit of love. I want to seek the truth of these situations. On the other hand, I've been struggling with finding the balance between grace and truth. I find myself scared to give truth because of its gravity but at the same time I've been cheapening Grace. I need to believe that truth is not condemnation, but the path to freedom. Most importantly, I just want to ground myself in the TRUTH that is God Himself so that I may not be easily swayed by man's words and circumstances; that I may not compromise the name of Jesus and the Gospel; that I may know exactly the right (Jesus-like) way to react and response.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

- John 8:31-32

I thank God that every day has been a reminder of how fickle and dangerous the words of men are. I thank God that every day God gives me a greater desire to dive into His Word and a greater sense of gravity for the needs of His people. I thank God that every day reminds me that man's wisdom is but God's folly and I need Godly wisdom; that I can do nothing out of my own wisdom and power but constantly need to pray and need the Spirit to intercede.

From daily readings:

Then Abram said to Lot, "Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herdsmen and my herdsmen, for we are kinsmen."

- Genesis 13:8

Lent Days 3-5

2010-02-21T19:16:00.010-05:00

I decided to read more of the Old Testament instead of continuing with Paul's epistles because I felt it would facilitate my Lent goals better. So in the past few days, I read Genesis 1-9.

I watched this sermon on Friday morning after class, which pushed me to try a Bible reading plan. I read Genesis, Ecclesiastes, 1 Chronicles, and Luke on Thursday. I decided then to just focus on the OT for Lent. In the sermon, John Piper spent half of his time just reciting Philippians out of memorization. The WORD of God is so powerful. I think reading it and hearing it makes such a difference.

On Friday, I met up with a sophomore sister to encourage her. Then, I went to church for our Lock-in. During Lock-in, I also got to talk to another woman leader at church. It was good to learn about another ministry and share struggles and experiences with a peer who can understand. I went to work the morning after and passed out once I got home until Sunday morning. So since I tried the reading plan on Friday and had Lock-in, I didn't get to read as much.

Today, I watched a sermon titled A Call of Anguish by David Wilkerson. I remember watching the summary clip last year and being moved. Today, I stumbled upon it again and decided to watch the whole thing. The summary clip:

I finalized a decision yesterday that should be finalized by the end of this week. This is something that has been on my mind for a long time and was not an easy decision to make. The year to follow will be tough. I already feel the weight of it all, which is why this entry is kind of mundane because I'm still internalizing somethings and not feeling very expressive. I will share about this in more detail next weekend. But I just know I need a lot of God and I need a lot of Godly wisdom.

Lastly, a note from my readings: righteousness and obedience go hand in hand.
Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God.
- Genesis 6-9
Noah did this; he did all that God commanded him.
- Genesis 6:22
And Noah did all that the LORD had commanded him.
- Genesis 7:5

Lent Day 2: Eloquence, Superior Wisdom, Persuasive Words

2010-02-18T22:14:00.029-05:00

Today, I read 1 Corinthians 1-8. The thing that struck me most was wisdom. There are the obvious paradoxical classics that I was automatically drawn to (as per the title of this blog): "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." (1 Cor. 1:25) and "Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, 'He catches the wise in their craftiness,' and again, 'The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile.' So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future - they are all yours, and you are Christ's, and Christ is God's." (1 Cor. 3:18-23).

However, it was chapter 2 that really caught my attention and incited self-examination:
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
1 Corinthians 2:1-4
This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not acccept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.
1 Corinthians 2:13-14

As I read this, I started to think about my ministry/evangelism philosophy and also about the basis of my faith. Am I attempting to show people about Christ with cleverness, intelligence, eloquence, superior logic and reasoning? Do I think that I need to have all the answers to all the possible questions before I tell others about Jesus? Is Jesus and the Gospel really enough security for me? Is this why I don't do street evangelism? Is this why I don't talk to my non-Christian friends about Jesus? And how did I come to my faith? Did I come to faith because of persuasive words of others? Is my faith based on the words and wisdom of men or is it because the Spirit demonstration His power through others?

The last three questions are not signs of me questioning my salvation. I've struggled with this for a while as I always questioned God, "If I am a new creation in You, why do I continue to sin? Have I truly been touched by You or is this all a mind game and I got into all this because someone people were persuasive?" But I know now that I have been touched by God personally. 1 Cor. 2:14 affirms this today - how could I accept foolishness according to the world unless it was because of the Spirit in me?

So, I'm not questioning my faith, but this was just further affirmation of my lent commitment #1 - to know God for who He IS. Not what He does for me, not what others tell me about Him. Just who He IS. To me. So that I don't fall into the pit that is placing my faith in the words of men.

Jesus's rebuke of the Pharisees and scribes:
You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said:
"This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;
teaching as doctrines the commandments of men."
Matthew 15:7-9

Lastly, I'll confess that failed at waking up and attending my classes today. I went 0 for 3. But I did get to meet up with one of our freshmen sisters who is just starting to become one of our leaders. She had been anxious about her responsibilities and current role, but I encouraged her to not try to do it by her own strength and wisdom, but let the Spirit lead. I love it when I encourage others and end up reminding and rebuking myself. What a God-incident that today's reading was about man's foolish wisdom and letting the Spirit lead and demonstrate His power!

Lent Introduction and Day 1

2010-02-17T23:20:00.010-05:00

From Wikipedia:

"Lent, in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer - through prayer, penitence, almsgiving, and self-denial - for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of the Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ."

This is my first year observing and attempting Lent. For some reason, I always brushed Lent aside and never respected it. I didn't particularly like it because I knew many people observed it merely for the sake of tradition. However, I've been struggling with many things and I've been stagnant for a long time. So, I decided I need to stop talking about them and start working on them WITH Jesus while getting to know Him better for who He IS, not just what He does for me. Coincidentally, Lent was coming up and so I thought no better time than now.

The four parts of Lent, then are prayer, penitence (a.k.a repentance), almsgiving (a.k.a giving/serving), and asceticism (a.k.a self-denial/abstinence from worldly pleasures). So, my Lent commitment for the next 40 days includes:

1) Set aside a good amount of time for God every day - to listen to a sermon and/or read the Bible.

2) Spend quality prayer (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication) and personal meditation time with God every day.

3) Joyfully and whole heartedly serve God in New Hope College Group. Meet up with one of my small group members outside of church every week. Meet up with at least one sister every week.

4) Abstain from Facebook, (online) television/variety/entertainment shows in any language, computer/cellphone games such as Bejeweled, other things that distract me from God and academics.

5) Be a good steward academically. Go to class every day, as many as possible. Start studying for exams early instead of cramming it all last minute.

6) Pursue my doctor "calling" more actively. Work on the details of my upcoming medical mission trip to Costa Rica in May, including writing and sending out support letters. Work on setting up a practicum in Buffalo for the summer. Apply for volunteer work at the hospitals. All this while constantly asking God for confirmation.

I plan to blog some entries along the way to share both my victories and failures alike. Also, to share sermons or Bible passages that were insightful to me.

What I hope to achieve by the end of Lent (by God's grace): a better understanding of God and a more intimate relationship with Him, a more disciplined devotional, prayer, and academic life, and a heart that serves joyfully.

Day 1:

Many times during the day I typed in "fa" in my browser. Facebook had become such a natural part of my day that every time I open up a new tab I just want to go to Facebook. I've tried many times to give up Facebook for the sake of studying. I've deactivated it about 10 times already, I think. This time I decided to leave it up because deactivating is kind of a cop out. Knowing that I can return anytime and there may numbers and a little red box waiting for me put this fast to a whole other level. Recently, I've been addicted to the Bejeweled game application. Many times through out today I would close my eyes and all I would see are columns of colorful jewels. I left the application on my phone for the same reason I left my Facebook up. This is going to be a huge challenge for me (also with the shows). Hopefully, my brothers and sisters can keep me accountable and God will give me the strength.

I went to all my classes today which is the first time in a very, very, very long time. Also, got to talk to our women small group leaders today and shared our struggles/concerns and prayed together. This is something we haven't been able to do. Personally, I think our ministry lacks in prayer. (Good quote: prayer isn't a part of ministry, prayer IS the ministry)

Today's sermon: John Piper's Battling the Unbelief of Regret.

Note 1: Sin rises from unbelief. Righteousness rises from faith.

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

Hebrews 3:12-13

Note 2: Regret is necessary for repentance, which is necessary for salvation - life. But there is a difference between Godly regret and worldly regret. Example used: Judas vs. Peter.

Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:8-10

Laziness

2010-02-06T12:14:00.002-05:00

I have a secret to share: I'm extremely lazy. Despite how responsible and dutiful I am, I am extremely lazy.

I procrastinate a lot and I watch a lot of shows ranging from primetime television drama to Chinese drama/comedy/variety show to Korean variety show. At those times, I am content. I am content watching someone else's life (fictional life, I might add) and not having to face my own. I am relaxed - something I can't do when I have to do work or think about doing work.

So I think my laziness is fueled by the quantity of responsibilities I take on. Because there is so much work I have to do, I cherish those times where I don't have to do anything. I just let my mind go and enjoy whatever it is I'm doing. So as I struggle with feeling that follow Jesus is a burden and I see myself as much needed work in progress (which isn't how I should view my walk and myself), I find myself being busy just being lazy.

On another note, I should also take note that I'm one of those people who start off doing something with fervor and passion and loses the fire as time goes on.

But anyway, it's time to kick this laziness in the behind.

The sluggard craves and gets nothing,

but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

- Proverbs 13:4

I went past the field of the sluggard,

past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment;

thorns had come up everywhere,

the ground was covered with weeds,

and the stone wall was in ruins.

- Proverbs 24:30-31

Perfectly Imperfect

2010-01-25T17:33:00.005-05:00

I'm a perfectionist. I want things to be perfect. I want others to be perfect. I want myself to be absolutely perfect. As I am bound by natural human condition to never be able to achieve such perfection, I struggle a lot with inadequacy. I never feel like I'm good enough for people or for myself. How could I possibly be good enough for God?

It's hard for me to truly understand that God just wants me to be me. It's almost impossible to believe that I'm beautiful and perfect in His eyes because I think so little of myself. I dislike so many things about myself.

But He does love me for who I am now. Even though this may not be who I want to be or who He will make me become, right now in this very moment, I am perfect. I am perfect in all of my imperfections.

This is a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful. I think this is every woman's battle. Probably could include a lot of men too, I'm sure. I tried for over an hour learning to play this song and recording over and over again because I keep messing up during the recording whether vocally or instrumentally. This cover isn't even good (you can even see my trying to stop the recording because I was already so dissatisfied by it). But I realized again this was my perfectionist at work and this is exactly why the song is so beautiful. I want to be flawlessly beautiful but I can never achieve that, but God brings me back to glory. He makes me beautiful. He calls me worthy. With all my flaws, Jesus tells me, "You're good enough for me." Thank You.

Catharsis

2010-01-24T22:41:00.002-05:00

20 years of pent up emotions and struggles. 20 years of a perfected mask.

Exposed.

Thank you, Jesus, for grace and love.

Love, Grace, and Truth.

2010-01-24T18:20:00.008-05:00

Confession: I judge a lot more than I realize and definitely too much more than I should.

Everyone has a set of personal truths and values. Mine are very conservative. My moral gauge tends fall to the right. Suffice it to say many things of this America where "liberal is cool" set off a lot of alarms in my head (and a lot of eye rolling). For example, excessive drinking, partying, immodest dressing, etc.

So its hard to avoid judgement, especially those completely contradictory to the values I hold onto so strongly. (Sidenote: I will straight out admit that some of my judgements are purely out of my ignorance of some issues). I have a hard time just loving and accepting others. My first reaction is to tell them exactly what to do - how I would do it. MY way. Even worse, I judge people for their problems and emotions. The most frequent case is that I think it's so ridiculous for anyone to react to any situation like they do or feel the emotions they do. Sometimes, I just want to smack some sense into them and tell them they're being stupid.

I forget that God programmed each of us differently with our own set of personal truths and values and each of us susceptible to different issues. They may struggle with alcohol, with drugs, with self confidence, etc. while I struggle with judgment, laziness, and idolatry (just to name a few). But not one is greater than the other.

Even with their best intentions in mind (especially when they're choosing to put themselves into spiritually dangerous situations), I must catch myself before I imposing my moral ruler on anyone. If they make a mistake then it'll be theirs to make and all glory be to God. If their decision turns out to be a blessing in disguise then good for them and still all glory be to God. My role as a leader, as a sister, as a friend, is not to force them to choose a certain path but to simply love and accept them no matter which path they choose. After all their life is not in my hands, only in God's. All I am responsible for is to present TRUTH (not my truth, but Biblical TRUTH) while practicing LOVE, and GRACE.

I find myself trying to work to be this perfect Christian. Somehow it's gotten to my head that Christ followers must be this way and not that way and if you're not in the right, you must be in the wrong.

God, I'm sorry for my quickness to judge others. I'm sorry that I think I'm better than others when clearly I'm just as sinful. Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry for judging you. I'm sorry for trying to impose my values onto you. I'm sorry for belittling you and your struggles in my mind. I'm sorry for not truly loving you as I should. Please forgive me as I confess my sins against God and against you and strive to be a true sister practicing love, grace, and truth.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Heart Problems

2010-01-14T17:35:00.006-05:00

Failure is accompanied by disappointment and a deep desire to achieve success.

I've been struggling this year with the repercussions of a "failed" relationship - my first relationship. Although, I wouldn't say it was a failed relationship because it was God's will for us to be nothing more than brothers and sisters in Christ and we went into it seeking God's will. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, prior to starting my first relationship ever just this past year, I was perfectly content being single and striving for God's heart. I looked forward to the day I would meet my future husband, but it never plagued my thoughts as it does now. I think it's rooted in my opening line. There were many disappointments and I have a desire to want to make them right with the right person. I want to do better for the next person (hopefully last person) and I want him to do better than my last person. I guess this is part of the perfectionist side of me. I want to fix what was broken.

But what I'm actually doing is just trying to fill a void that Jesus should fill; not some man whom perhaps I haven't even met yet. I experienced first hand what I had believed all along: that we should be careful with our hearts. Every time we invest in a relationship (whether it be dating or courtship), we give parts of it away; parts of a heart that should belong completely to God. No matter how careful you are in your relationship with your heart and DEFINITELY your body, there will be after effects. God confirmed my previous value of courtship and not casual dating.

I need to go back to being that person satisfied with singleness and "anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit" (1 Cor. 7:34). I can't let the devil have this foothold on me.

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." - Unknown

1 Corinthians 7:25-40 (ESV); Proverbs 31:10-31

Identity Crisis: Who I Am, Who I Should Be, Who I Want to Be

2010-01-12T13:45:00.004-05:00

I'm not as strong as I seem; nor as smart, as responsible, as caring, as mature. Or maybe I am but am just too tired all the baggage that comes with all those characteristics. There are times I just want to throw away all my responsibilities - to myself, to school, to family, to friends, to church, to society, to God. I just want to stop caring. I would like people to stop putting things on my plate just because I seem able. I would like to stop feeling responsible for everything and agreeing to things I don't want to do not even because I should, but just because I can and no one else will.

It's so ridiculous how contemporary Christianity in America has turned out to be a performance to uphold the "image". We try to uphold an image in church that we've got it all together, that we love everyone, and that just because we're "Christians", we are completely immune to sin. Then, in the "real world", we try to uphold another image. The modern day rise of liberalism has caused Christians to live with shame simply because we believe in Jesus. The generalization is that Christians are hypocrites with the sole agenda of imposing their beliefs on others. So, in order to defend ourselves, we act extremely conservatively and compromise on issues to be accepted by the world. It's as if we feel the need to protect God's name from the world. He doesn't need us to that for Him. God's not scared of the world. He just wants us to be all that He made us to be. That's how we will bring glory to His name - certainly not by compromising the very identity and the very essence of God.

When did Christianity become so burdensome? And yet, Jesus said: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) It isn't supposed to be. Following Jesus is as easy as, well, FOLLOW HIM! Just start following! But no, we start thinking about this and that. It's only because human nature is still sinful and we are still captives of this world. We haven't yet experienced the true freedom in Christ Jesus. On one hand, we are afraid of condemnation by the world. On the other, we are afraid of condemnation by God who is completely just. We're the ones who make it complicated.

Romans 8.

The Milestone

2009-12-02T12:35:00.009-05:00

Usually, I am generally unaffected by birthdays as they were always just another day for me. I also don't make it a habit of publicizing it for many reasons; the main reason being that I have no desire for the spotlight. A couple weeks ago, I turned twenty years old; officially ending the chapter in my life titled: The Teenage Years. I feel as though twenty is my milestone year, not eighteen nor twenty-one. Perhaps it is because the pressures of post-graduation plans have slowly begun to seep its way in, but I actually feel the difference in age now. The reality of adulthood is ever more...well, real.

There is such a tension with aging. At home, you want to grow up and take care of your family; but at the same time, you love being pampered as if you were still a child. Out in the world, you want to grow up and just live out your life; but at the same time, you want to stay young and not have to deal with the realities of life.

I spent my week-long Thanksgiving break at home with family and friends. I was able to reflect on my own transformations in the past twenty years. I was also able to reminisce all experiences at home and at church. Being at church was a tad bittersweet. Seeing the generation change in church was great - it is such a blessing to witness the work of God in my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters. My generation had been the youth and we were led by people we admired. Now, we have become the leaders and the elders have moved on to starting families. In addition, those younger than use whom we remember to be in elementary or junior high school are now in high school or college. It is exciting to see that we are all growing up; I am glad that we are all maturing in the people God created us to be. But it is also sad to realize that we will never be those people we were in the memories anymore. The time we had together are gone. All we can do is make new memories - different memories because we are different people now. It was even more sad to think about those individuals that are no longer with us. Those who have fallen through the cracks. Those who have moved on to other things. It was sad to just realize that the present will become the past and those here now may or may not be here in the future.

Since the summer, I have strengthened a few relationships; but I have lost many more. Quite a handful of the people with whom I used to share comfortably have left - perhaps not physically, but nonetheless, they are no longer. I can understand why a few of these relationship played out as such, but there are a couple I just cannot explain plainly because I really do not understand why. But it does not matter any more.

Time flies. Faces come and go. Value is not solely determined by time. Treasures may be passing before your very eyes, over your head, from present to past without you even knowing. Circumstances and surroundings change. Cherish your present but know that your future may or may not include those things or people you value now. They will come and go - they will change and you will change.

Only One will remain. Only One is unchanging. Only One is constant. Only One IS.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
- Hebrews 13:8

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

2009-11-02T22:57:00.005-05:00

My maturity had always been something I took pride in; but more and more it has become a burden to me. I've lost that innocence and naivete of a child. My maturity and my value of responsibility has sucked the joy out of life. Honestly, I just feel old. I feel tired. To take it further, I feel ugly.

The ugliness stems from my own imperfections...shortcomings...sins. The ugliness stems from my own failures in all aspects of my life. The ugliness stems from the unintentional pressure my personality forces upon my friends - a pressure that puts a distance between us. The ugliness stems from failed relationships because of my inability to be completely honest and transparent with many people as a result of my maturity telling me that doing so will be break those unwritten social contracts; or even worse, actions absent of love. The ugliness stems from my inability to be joyful.

As I've become more independent in the past years, I realized I've become even more dependent. I realized that I've become even more needy. But my maturity tells me to keep my needs myself and the hurts of my youth tell me to stay silent. Also, as I've grown more independent, I've learned to brush the disappointments off even better. However, in reality, I desire to be desired. I desire to be cared for. I desire to be significant. I desire to be loved. All these needs and desires are masked behind my maturity and my independence.

The thing that hurts me the most is when people I care about seem to careless about me. As I find out that I play only minute roles in the lives of the people that are so significant to me, I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. So as I've learned to be more loving and forgiving over the past few years, I've given people chances after chances, making excusing for them over and over again and never dealing with the issue with that person. All this is fine and dandy until that day comes when I decide I've been hurt enough. On that day, unforgiveness cages my heart and resentment fills it completely and I am incapable of loving that person because I've decided to not care at all about that person in order to save myself from further pain.

I've come to the conclusion that my fortes are my flaws.

But He said to me , "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, n persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

At the moment, I'm just stuck at weakness. Not yet glad, not yet boasting, not yet graced, not yet empowered by Christ, not yet strong.

My Prayer (From Psalm 51)

2009-10-17T12:29:00.004-04:00

O God,

You do not delight in sacrifice

Nor do you take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.

A broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

That is what I bring.

You desire truth in the inmost parts.

You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

But my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.

I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight.

And so You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love.

Blot out my transgressions, O God, according to Your great compassion.

Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean.

Wash me, O Lord, and I will be whiter than snow.

Please, Lord, do not cast me from Your presence.

Please, do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,

And sustain me with a willing spirit.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God who saves me.

And my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise.

Let me hear joy and gladness.

Let the bones You have crushed rejoice.

Then, and only then,

Will I teach transgressors Your way.

And sinners, like me, will turn back to You.

In Jesus' name,

Your prodigal daughter

Arise - Mad Chills

2009-10-04T00:32:00.004-04:00

This song is called "Arise". It was written by a few members of the praise band I was a part of during high school, called "Mad Chills". This is a song pleading for God to hear us in our brokenness; for His Spirit to arise in us and set us free from our despair. It's been such a long time since this song was first introduced to the world, but it's a blessing to me in my current struggle. I praise God for inspiring a few naive high school students to write such a song of blessing. I hope this song can be a blessing to you as well.

To listen to our original full band rendition of this song, click here.

Verse 1:
O Lord, hear my plea
Listen to my broken heart
I cry without holding back
Would You listen to me?

Verse 2:
O Lord, know my thoughts
I pray with lifted hands
Break me and set me apart
To be an image of You

Chorus:
Arise, O Lord
Breathe into my soul
Arise, O Lord
That I may live again
Restore my longing for holiness
Guard me closely to Your promise
Arise, arise, arise, arise

Verse 3:
O Lord, bind me tightly
To Your covenant of peace
From imperfection, in desperation
For You to set me free

Chorus

Bridge:
From my despair I will awake
I will be satisfied
From my despair I'll start to fly
Then I'll be satisfied

I am neither the best vocalist nor the best guitarist. But whatever talents I have are from the Lord and I will use them to glorify His name. Praise be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!

Servant Leader

2009-10-02T23:08:00.006-04:00

I am a general officer/leader for my college fellowship. Forgive me if this sounds boastful, but I think I've been blessed with a gift of leadership. I am an efficient worker. I am an all-around thinker - I cover all the bases. I am responsible. I can be authoritative while being empathetic to the people around me. I am respectable. I am a capable teacher. But I take no joy in this. If anything, all this just makes me a work-a-holic dictator, which only brings stress and constant dissatisfaction.

What does bring me joy is serving. I am a leader, but I am first a servant. I serve my people out of love - the same love that Christ demonstrated. What I love most about serving is that the people I serve, bless me so much in return. The ones I am supposed to be leading teach me and encourage me. This is when I am so glad to be a leader, to be a servant of God. For example, today, I led small group Bible study. Afterward, as I sent a member of my small group home, we were able to share our struggles. I just listened to her and offered advice and encouragement whenever I could. But I also go to share with her one of my struggles and she was actually able to offer some insight, comfort, and encouragement to me. These moments make me so happy. I enjoy leading small group and teaching Bible study but it entails a certain amount of work and preparation. Being a leader can be tiresome, tedious, and stressful; but these are the moments that make it all so worth it.

But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

- Matthew 20:25-28

Jesus is the epitome of the servant leader. A glorious and blameless king in heaven humbled himself down to the level of sinful man and bore all the sins of the world on his shoulders on that cross. Moreover, the Son of God, descended into hell for three days in complete separation from the Father. But of course He resurrected and claimed victory over all evil for us. Jesus came on earth to serve His people - to teach them, to heal them, to guide them, to save them, to lead them into eternal life in paradise with God the Father.

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

- John 13:12-17

Paradoxical Harmony

2009-10-01T16:17:00.024-04:00

par·a·dox (pār'ə-dŏks')
n.

A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true: the paradox that standing is more tiring than walking.
One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects: "The silence of midnight, to speak truly, though apparently a paradox, rung in my ears" (Mary Shelley).
An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.
A statement contrary to received opinion.

har·mo·ny (här'mə-nē)
n. pl. har·mo·nies

Agreement in feeling or opinion; accord: live in harmony.
A pleasing combination of elements in a whole: color harmony; the order and harmony of the universe. See Synonyms at proportion.
Music
1. The study of the structure, progression, and relation of chords.
2. Simultaneous combination of notes in a chord.
3. The structure of a work or passage as considered from the point of view of its chordal characteristics and relationships.
4. A combination of sounds considered pleasing to the ear.
A collation of parallel passages, especially from the Gospels, with a commentary demonstrating their consonance and explaining their discrepancies.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

- Matthew 15:24-26

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

-Philippians 1:21

This is a window into my life in this great paradox. A walk that is inherently dichotomous, contradictory, and self-conflicting but simultaneously without, harmonious, and peaceful - all because my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is the Prince of Peace.