The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My maturity had always been something I took pride in; but more and more it has become a burden to me. I've lost that innocence and naivete of a child. My maturity and my value of responsibility has sucked the joy out of life. Honestly, I just feel old. I feel tired. To take it further, I feel ugly.

The ugliness stems from my own imperfections...shortcomings...sins. The ugliness stems from my own failures in all aspects of my life. The ugliness stems from the unintentional pressure my personality forces upon my friends - a pressure that puts a distance between us. The ugliness stems from failed relationships because of my inability to be completely honest and transparent with many people as a result of my maturity telling me that doing so will be break those unwritten social contracts; or even worse, actions absent of love. The ugliness stems from my inability to be joyful.

As I've become more independent in the past years, I realized I've become even more dependent. I realized that I've become even more needy. But my maturity tells me to keep my needs myself and the hurts of my youth tell me to stay silent. Also, as I've grown more independent, I've learned to brush the disappointments off even better. However, in reality, I desire to be desired. I desire to be cared for. I desire to be significant. I desire to be loved. All these needs and desires are masked behind my maturity and my independence.

The thing that hurts me the most is when people I care about seem to careless about me. As I find out that I play only minute roles in the lives of the people that are so significant to me, I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. So as I've learned to be more loving and forgiving over the past few years, I've given people chances after chances, making excusing for them over and over again and never dealing with the issue with that person. All this is fine and dandy until that day comes when I decide I've been hurt enough. On that day, unforgiveness cages my heart and resentment fills it completely and I am incapable of loving that person because I've decided to not care at all about that person in order to save myself from further pain.

I've come to the conclusion that my fortes are my flaws.

But He said to me , "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, n persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

At the moment, I'm just stuck at weakness. Not yet glad, not yet boasting, not yet graced, not yet empowered by Christ, not yet strong.

My Prayer (From Psalm 51)

O God,

You do not delight in sacrifice

Nor do you take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.

A broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

That is what I bring.

You desire truth in the inmost parts.

You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

But my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.

I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight.

And so You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love.

Blot out my transgressions, O God, according to Your great compassion.

Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean.

Wash me, O Lord, and I will be whiter than snow.

Please, Lord, do not cast me from Your presence.

Please, do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,

And sustain me with a willing spirit.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God who saves me.

And my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise.

Let me hear joy and gladness.

Let the bones You have crushed rejoice.

Then, and only then,

Will I teach transgressors Your way.

And sinners, like me, will turn back to You.

In Jesus' name,

Your prodigal daughter

Arise - Mad Chills

This song is called "Arise". It was written by a few members of the praise band I was a part of during high school, called "Mad Chills". This is a song pleading for God to hear us in our brokenness; for His Spirit to arise in us and set us free from our despair. It's been such a long time since this song was first introduced to the world, but it's a blessing to me in my current struggle. I praise God for inspiring a few naive high school students to write such a song of blessing. I hope this song can be a blessing to you as well.

To listen to our original full band rendition of this song, click here.

Verse 1:
O Lord, hear my plea
Listen to my broken heart
I cry without holding back
Would You listen to me?

Verse 2:
O Lord, know my thoughts
I pray with lifted hands
Break me and set me apart
To be an image of You

Chorus:
Arise, O Lord
Breathe into my soul
Arise, O Lord
That I may live again
Restore my longing for holiness
Guard me closely to Your promise
Arise, arise, arise, arise

Verse 3:
O Lord, bind me tightly
To Your covenant of peace
From imperfection, in desperation
For You to set me free

Chorus

Bridge:
From my despair I will awake
I will be satisfied
From my despair I'll start to fly
Then I'll be satisfied

I am neither the best vocalist nor the best guitarist. But whatever talents I have are from the Lord and I will use them to glorify His name. Praise be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!

Servant Leader

I am a general officer/leader for my college fellowship. Forgive me if this sounds boastful, but I think I've been blessed with a gift of leadership. I am an efficient worker. I am an all-around thinker - I cover all the bases. I am responsible. I can be authoritative while being empathetic to the people around me. I am respectable. I am a capable teacher. But I take no joy in this. If anything, all this just makes me a work-a-holic dictator, which only brings stress and constant dissatisfaction.

What does bring me joy is serving. I am a leader, but I am first a servant. I serve my people out of love - the same love that Christ demonstrated. What I love most about serving is that the people I serve, bless me so much in return. The ones I am supposed to be leading teach me and encourage me. This is when I am so glad to be a leader, to be a servant of God. For example, today, I led small group Bible study. Afterward, as I sent a member of my small group home, we were able to share our struggles. I just listened to her and offered advice and encouragement whenever I could. But I also go to share with her one of my struggles and she was actually able to offer some insight, comfort, and encouragement to me. These moments make me so happy. I enjoy leading small group and teaching Bible study but it entails a certain amount of work and preparation. Being a leader can be tiresome, tedious, and stressful; but these are the moments that make it all so worth it.

But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

- Matthew 20:25-28

Jesus is the epitome of the servant leader. A glorious and blameless king in heaven humbled himself down to the level of sinful man and bore all the sins of the world on his shoulders on that cross. Moreover, the Son of God, descended into hell for three days in complete separation from the Father. But of course He resurrected and claimed victory over all evil for us. Jesus came on earth to serve His people - to teach them, to heal them, to guide them, to save them, to lead them into eternal life in paradise with God the Father.

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

- John 13:12-17

Paradoxical Harmony

par·a·dox (pār'ə-dŏks')
n.

1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true: the paradox that standing is more tiring than walking.

2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects: "The silence of midnight, to speak truly, though apparently a paradox, rung in my ears" (Mary Shelley).

3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.

4. A statement contrary to received opinion.

har·mo·ny (här'mə-nē)
n. pl. har·mo·nies

1. Agreement in feeling or opinion; accord: live in harmony.

2. A pleasing combination of elements in a whole: color harmony; the order and harmony of the universe. See Synonyms at proportion.

3. Music

   1. The study of the structure, progression, and relation of chords.

   2. Simultaneous combination of notes in a chord.

   3. The structure of a work or passage as considered from the point of view of its chordal characteristics and relationships.

   4. A combination of sounds considered pleasing to the ear.

4. A collation of parallel passages, especially from the Gospels, with a commentary demonstrating their consonance and explaining their discrepancies.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

- Matthew 15:24-26

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

-Philippians 1:21

This is a window into my life in this great paradox. A walk that is inherently dichotomous, contradictory, and self-conflicting but simultaneously without, harmonious, and peaceful - all because my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is the Prince of Peace.